How I U-Turned My Way Into Captain's Class

First of all I want to apologize for bitching and complaining for most of the month of January. Those of you who have been reading, or who follow me on Facebook you know that I've been something of a "downer." I have 'Sadness' from the movie "Inside Out" on my car keychain.

It's kind of funny because it's me, but then again it's not because I've been personifying her for the past couple of weeks and that's not something anyone likes...especially me. So many people are going through things of their own, that I have no right to bitch about the little things. Not all molehills are mountains.

Secondly I want to thank each and every person who reads this, who comments on my Facebook posts, who message me, who text me, who email me, and who most of all...love me. The tears I cried today are tears of happiness. Tears of relief. Tears of realization that I am loved, in different ways, by so many people. So again, thank you for the positive comments, the suggestions, the recommendations, the donations, the friendship, and the caring.

Thirdly, I am going to be in the Spring Captain's Class. When I had my accident on the 13th, after just having my car at the mechanic for some expensive repair work, I was crushed. When Lyft said I was responsible for the $2500 deductible, I knew that this was the end of my class. That there was no way I could pay for the car repairs AND class, no matter how much I drove once and IF I got the car back. But thanks to Eric's Mom, Linda who believes in me and who loves me like I daughter, I got my car back and had gas money to start driving again for Lyft. Then I heard from my insurance company who said that they would actually pay the difference between the repairs and my deductible which was only $500. I asked Linda if she wanted the check from the insurance company and she said "no...you're family, you use that for your class." Then today, I got an email from my aunt. Apparently my brother told her that I was in an accident and was having issues paying for captain's class. She called me silly and that she was there to help if I needed it, that all I had to do was ask. She is also pitching in so I can achieve my dream. So it turns out that accident was actually the best thing that could have happened to me, instead of the worst. I am looking forward to February 19th and taking my friends on this journey with me. Let's replace Sadness with something else.

What, Where, When, Why & WHO?

Up in the pre-dawn hours writing, and wondering THE question: Who is going to read this? I suppose the other questions running through my mind are, who am I writing for, or am I writing this way because I know who is reading this?

From what I can tell, writers are fairly private people who are all insecure about sharing their work with a wider audience. Yet all our lives we have been sharing our writing with others. I've written birthday, anniversary, retirement and holiday poems for family members and friends. In high school and college, I'd write to please whatever teacher/professor had assigned the task. It would usually work, and when I went against his/her belief, I would see it reflected in a lower grade. I switched majors from journalism (where you had to answer the title questions in a specific order) to English because I didn't want someone telling me how to write. I felt I had more freedom for expressing my own ideas when writing about Dickens, Chaucer or Jane Austen.

I also wrote to save my life. An inexpensive form of therapy. Getting moods and feelings out on paper so that I didn't have to share my current state of mind with another person. There's also the letter written to my Mother after she died. Assigned to me as a therapy session. Never read by anyone but myself, but feelings needed to be expressed in some sort of way so that I could function like a normal human being again.

Diary/journal entries from younger years were never meant to be shared so were part fantasy and part reality.

I've written songs/lyrics that have yet to be shared.

As I've gotten older and been part of the dating pool, I'd write very explicit fantasies meant for an audience of one.

Now I have this blog that is out there for the world to read. Shared with anyone who may want to read it. And even though I post a link to Facebook and Twitter, I'm quite shy about telling new people (friends) about it. Do I not want to share myself with those I'd like to get to know better or have them get to know me better?

This goes back to my original question: who am I writing for and am I changing what I'd normally write because I know who's reading the words? Am I going to edit myself to make me seem more clever, more creative, less fucked up in the head? (I do admit to editing some things in this blog because I knew Eric was reading it.)

How do you write for someone you don't even know?

Telling someone new about the blog is like standing in front of them naked--here I am, lumps, tattoos and all--and then immediately wanting to cover up with a robe and hope that maybe they didn't see anything after all.

I guess every writer is writing for an audience whether or not they know WHO exactly is going to read their words.

I suppose, in the end, the WHO I'm writing for should be me.

Good Riddance to 2011

The end of a year is usually a time to look back and reflect on the year that has just passed by.  Sometimes we'd rather not reflect on the year and this year is one of those times.  I should have known when Eric took a tumble down the stairs last New Year's Eve that 2011 was going to be a challenge and I must say it was. February brought "Snowmageddon" and I twisted my knee horribly walking through a snowdrift to get to work. Not to mention our furnace died that day and my car got stuck in the snow trying to get to Home Depot for a space heater. Eric lost his job back in early March and so money was tight.  We lived paycheck to paycheck and if it wasn't for Eric's mom, there were times when we would have had to live on ramen noodles. There were changes at work, which weren't necessarily bad, but they were challenging. We went through 2 new bosses, more responsibility and I'm still a contractor or "temp" as they used to be called. Yet another year of no paid holidays, no sick days, no vacation time, and no benefits.  Personally things were rough as well. My brother did something very bad back in July and is now awaiting trial. I never thought I'd be communicating with someone in prison. I didn't read as much as I wanted, I don't think I even touched my guitar, and I probably watched too many hours of TV instead of going for walks. I didn't make it to a Cubs game or any sporting event for that matter. I also didn't talk to good friends who I should have kept in touch with more often.

It wasn't all bad. We made our annual trip to DCI in Minneapolis and despite having thought we would have to drive back to Chicago to get the tickets we forgot at home, we were able to pick them up at the stadium and the show wasn't rained out.  We didn't make it to the Wisconsin State Fair, but there's always this year. I re-connected with my Aunt (due to the situation with my brother), who is basically my only blood relative left.  I had some great meals at some good new restaurants. I made some new friends and saw a couple of good movies.

So as I look forward to 2012 I look forward to reading more, playing my guitar every day and writing more as well.  I will try to be a better friend. I will continue to do my job to the best of my ability even though I will continue to be in a "contract" position.  I will cook more, exercise and maybe take a trip or two. Eric has a new job and that holds promise. I'm going to save money rather than spend it. I'm going to not look back at the bad except learn from the experience of the past year and grow from there.

Happy 2012!