Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

2019 Starts As A Blank Slate...Can't Wait To See How I Fill It

I'm back! After taking 2018 off from blogging, I'm ready to get at it again. I should be able to take a few minutes every day to write something, thoughts, worries, hopes, dreams, insights and hopefully, many adventures.

As the clock struck midnight, ushering in a new year, I lay in bed watching revelers in Chicago kiss, dance, drink, cheer and whatever else happens on TV. Thankfully my neighborhood didn't erupt in the usual gunfire and fireworks. Then I thought about the year that had passed and how I was starting 2019. I am honestly starting with a lot less than I had hoped. I have a negative bank account balance, I'm off from my fantastic (but seasonal) job, my car is broken down so I don't even have the ability to do my "off season" job of driving for Lyft.  

However, I don't want to focus on what I don't have. I want to focus on what I do have and the prospects of what I can achieve in the upcoming year. I have a roof over my head. I have clothes to wear. I have food to eat. I have three cats that love to cuddle. I have the chance to advance my career to the next level. Captain's class is going to be tough, but it's going to be worth it. And I have the best support system around from my colleagues who have become good friends in just 2 short years. My mother used to tell a story of a determined look I'd get on my face when there's something I really want. I really want to pass this class so I'm hoping that look is planted on my face permanently (or at least until I'm done with the tests). 

Becoming a Captain is the big goal for 2019 but I have some smaller ones too. I'd like to read more. I think I can try for a book a week. Amazon sends me a free book every month and I'm a good 6 months behind on those to read. I bought a couple of books for a train ride sometime early last year, and one of them remain unopened. 

I'd like to write more. I'd like to blog/journal every day. It's a great way of getting down what happened, keeping me on track for my goals, and remembering where I've been. 

I'd like to take an actual vacation at the end of the year. I don't know if it will be a cruise, a trip to Vegas (which I've only driven through), a trip to somewhere I've never been, or even just renting a cabin up in Door County for a long weekend. I haven't been on a vacation in over 7 years, I think it's time. 

Other than that I just want to continue being the passionate, slightly wacky, intelligent, honest, loyal, creative, good friend, good cook & goddess that I am!

Thanks again for reading and thanks for joining me on my 2019 journey.




Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Rambling Crap

This was supposed to be my assignment many months ago and I'm ashamed that I have let the months pass without writing every day. I do have a new laptop now so there should be no excuses. I have the time, especially since I seem to be suffering from insomnia every night between midnight and 3am. I have the tools. I just need to do it.

This post isn't going to be anything special. Just a few random sentences that have crossed my mind a lot in the past few months. Perhaps they will grow into something. Perhaps they will stay a sentence forever. I don't know. I just know that it's important for me to write. As I'm getting older, I realize that I need to do something with my thoughts, my active mind, and honestly, my talent. I may not be a J.K. Rowling or even a Gertrude Stein, but who's to say I'm not. And if I don't try, I can't possibly ever achieve something. So anyway, here are the few sentences. I have a short story partially written as well, but the sane side of me is telling me that if I want to be a functioning adult at work tomorrow, I can hold that off for another time.

"I just want to lay my head against your shoulder, close my eyes, and pretend, for just a moment that everything is going to be alright."

"He locks the door as soon as she leaves in the morning. She wonders if it's to keep her out. He wonders if it's to keep the secrets in."

"As she listened to the last stanza of the last poem at the last reading ever to be held at her bookstore, warmth enveloped her and she finally felt at peace."

"That extra nanosecond of contact between their fingers seemed longer to her than her entire life."








Sunday, May 10, 2015

What, Where, When, Why & WHO?

Up in the pre-dawn hours writing, and wondering THE question: Who is going to read this? I suppose the other questions running through my mind are, who am I writing for, or am I writing this way because I know who is reading this?

From what I can tell, writers are fairly private people who are all insecure about sharing their work with a wider audience. Yet all our lives we have been sharing our writing with others. I've written birthday, anniversary, retirement and holiday poems for family members and friends. In high school and college, I'd write to please whatever teacher/professor had assigned the task. It would usually work, and when I went against his/her belief, I would see it reflected in a lower grade. I switched majors from journalism (where you had to answer the title questions in a specific order) to English because I didn't want someone telling me how to write. I felt I had more freedom for expressing my own ideas when writing about Dickens, Chaucer or Jane Austen.

I also wrote to save my life. An inexpensive form of therapy. Getting moods and feelings out on paper so that I didn't have to share my current state of mind with another person. There's also the letter written to my Mother after she died. Assigned to me as a therapy session. Never read by anyone but myself, but feelings needed to be expressed in some sort of way so that I could function like a normal human being again.

Diary/journal entries from younger years were never meant to be shared so were part fantasy and part reality.

I've written songs/lyrics that have yet to be shared.

As I've gotten older and been part of the dating pool, I'd write very explicit fantasies meant for an audience of one.

Now I have this blog that is out there for the world to read. Shared with anyone who may want to read it. And even though I post a link to Facebook and Twitter, I'm quite shy about telling new people (friends) about it. Do I not want to share myself with those I'd like to get to know better or have them get to know me better?

This goes back to my original question: who am I writing for and am I changing what I'd normally write because I know who's reading the words? Am I going to edit myself to make me seem more clever, more creative, less fucked up in the head? (I do admit to editing some things in this blog because I knew Eric was reading it.)

How do you write for someone you don't even know?

Telling someone new about the blog is like standing in front of them naked--here I am, lumps, tattoos and all--and then immediately wanting to cover up with a robe and hope that maybe they didn't see anything after all.

I guess every writer is writing for an audience whether or not they know WHO exactly is going to read their words.

I suppose, in the end, the WHO I'm writing for should be me.





Tuesday, October 21, 2014

DARN!

I haven't written in over 2 weeks. That definitely was not my plan. I've got to get myself more disciplined so that I don't go that long without writing. I've been tired, which is no excuse. I said I'd write every day, even if it's just a sentence. Even if I'm tired I should be able to spit out a sentence. They say you have to do something consistently for 60 days for it to become a habit, so starting now, that's my goal. 60 days in a row. Word. Sentence. Essay. Novella. Whatever. It will be done.

I'm also going to go back to exercising or stretching in the morning and taking walks. I need to lose some of this weight. I'm sure if I do that I won't be as tired. It's not like I have an excuse of bad weather here in California. Also planning on eating better. Smaller portions. More fruits and vegetables. Less take-out.

It seems overwhelming, but it's really not. Just a small thing and I CAN DO IT!  Enough with feeling let down and disappointed in myself.

Stay tuned!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Here We Go Again


Today is January 1, 2013 and it's the time most people make resolutions for the upcoming year. I have done this in previous years in this blog and am doing it again, in some hopes, that if I write them down, then maybe I'll stick to them this year. 2012 was not the best year and I am hoping to make changes in 2013 that will definitely be permanent. Of course, the only way to make a change is to do it and to keep up with the new behavior or pattern so that it becomes routine, therefore it's not as much of a challenge.  So, here we go, in no specific order, my resolutions for 2013.

WRITE MORE
This is the start of doing that. Back in high school, I used to have an English teacher that would have us start each class by journaling for 5 minutes. Sometimes he would give us a topic, sometimes he would just let us write what was on our minds. If we had nothing, or got stuck while we were journaling, we would have to just keep writing the same word over and over again until we "unstuck." It was a good practice and this year I vow to keep that tradition going. Now 365 blog posts might be a tall order if I look at it like I HAVE to write every day. However, I enjoy writing and I don't think it should be that big a deal. I mean, I post something on Facebook or Twitter everyday, so why should writing a blog post be any different. I also won't get to hard on myself if I don't post something every day. I am allowing myself now to miss a day or two depending on what is going on, but the goal is to write every day. Keep checking back and we'll see how far I have gotten by December 31, 2013.

EAT LESS
Now this is the ultimate resolution that most people make on January 1st. I guarantee that when I go to the gym this weekend, it will be crowded with people who are doing exactly what I am doing and vowing to get healthier. I would assume that by the end of January and definitely by Mid-March, us diehards will still be at the gym, while more machines will be available as people fall out. I really do want to lose weight and get into better shape.  I do have specific goals in mind with dieting or actually, I'm going to call it, getting healthier.

This picture is of Dean Patterson. Dean is 21 and is the Conductior (Drum Major) for my favorite Drum Corps Phantom Regiment.  Every year Eric and I travel up to NW Illinois each May and watch Dean lead the Regiment in their dress rehearsal for the season. This year, I want to be able to take a picture with Dean and I don't want to look like the fat old lady standing next to him. I want to be thinner. Then, if the fates allow, I want to go to DCI Finals in Indianapolis in August, where hopefully I can get another picture with Dean. This will show how much weight I've lost during the summer. I wanted to do that in 2012, but things changed, and now it's a definite goal for 2013.

TRY A NEW RECIPE OR A NEW RESTAURANT EVERY WEEK
I tried this resolution when I first moved back to Chicago from Florida 5 years ago. It was a good idea and I figure with all the cookbooks I have and with the all the amazing restaurants in Chicago, that this will not be a challenge at all. I just have to stick with it. I'm all set this week as tonight for dinner I am making a spicy shrimp linguine in cream sauce that I haven't made before. Only 51 more to go! See, this resolution thing is easy.

READ MORE
I have moved more times than I'd like to remember in my life and the past 3 moves, I have moved over 3,000 pounds of books with me. I LOVE to read and unfortunately, in this "digital" age, I tend to read more updates on Facebook than I do actual books. I want to change that. I have a commute to work every day on the train, I can read at my lunch hour, and during the quiet times at home when I'm just mindlessly watching another Harry Potter movie I've already seen 15 times, I could pick up a book instead. Now, I'm not going to be bold and say I'm going to read 100 books or all the books on the New York Times bestseller list, but I am going to read more. I also figure that will give me more to write about so that will help with that resolution. Now if I could only figure out how to read while working out on the treadmill I'd be set.

TRAVEL MORE
I also love to travel, but with the economy still in the shitter and me still having a "temporary" job, I haven't traveled as much as I'd like. But I need to look at that in smaller steps too. A trip doesn't have to be out of the state or to an exotic location or overseas. A trip can be anywhere I haven't been before or somewhere I have been before but where I am doing something I WANT to do. As already mentioned, I'd love to go to Indianapolis for DCI Finals in August so that would be a trip. I'd also like to go to the Wisconsin State Fair, where I haven't been in 2 years. It's the Harley-Davidson 110th Anniversary in Wisconsin at the end of August and I'd like to go up there for that as well.  But there are many places in Illinois, not far from Chicago that I haven't discovered. Maybe a trip to Springfield, or back to Starved Rock where Eric and I spent one of our first weekends together. I don't care, just as long as I get out of the apartment from time to time.

So those are my resolutions for 2013. At least the ones I think I have some control over and that should make me healthier, happier, more productive, and more fulfilled. Come back tomorrow and see how I'm doing.


Sunday, November 25, 2012

Don't Panic---Easier Said Than Done

They're Baaaack!

Last Tuesday my panic attacks started again. I've had a few over the past year, but the one that happened Tuesday at work has lasted into the weekend. I mean, not constantly, but at least one every day since. I haven't had one today yet, stayed inside and just tried to relax yesterday so maybe that helped. I had one on Friday that caused me to leave work early. Not good when the panic attacks get the best of me, and cause me to lose money. I KNOW this time that they are all stress related. I'm not happy in my job, my personal and financial life have a lot of work to do, and facing another holiday basically on my own was something I probably wasn't looking forward to. Now, I'm just tired of them, and hope I've done enough so that I can make it through the work week without feeling like I have to go home. The ones this week haven't been my usual attacks either. My heart rate hasn't increased, my throat hasn't closed or felt like it was closing and they haven't woken me up out of a deep sleep. These are more feeling nauseous, and dizzy and feeling like I'm having a heart attack...chest pain, arm numbness, leg numbness. Then I get mad at myself for allowing it to happen and allowing it to control whatever I'm doing. 

So I'm trying to make some changes. I'm going to read and write more, (can't believe I haven't posted to the blog since January), I'm going to try to get to the gym at least 4 days a week, and I'm going to try and let go of all the things I can't control. That will probably be the hardest. I'm an admitted control freak. But there are some things I just can't control and I will have to just accept that. All I can do is control what is going on with me and try to improve things for myself.

So expect a lot more blog posts from me. I'm going to try to write daily and I will admit that a lot of them won't be good, that they will just be random ramblings, but I think I need to get things out and just hope that someone will read them. Even if they don't it will be good to get it out there.


Saturday, August 8, 2009

In MY country...


I was very lucky to have grown up with highly literate parents. My mother and father both graduated with journalism degrees from Northwestern University. I was read to constantly. Most of my summer mornings were spent at the beach and my afternoons at the local library. In my family it wasn't Christmas without a book. When my parents divorced, my mother married another highly literate man, this man was a math professor and loved to read and he brought science and math and computer books into my life. This was and has been both a blessing and a curse. It's probably the reason I ended up being an English major and reading all the novels of Tolstoy and Dostoevsky in one class in one semester. I know it's the reason that for my past 3 moves, I have been paying the movers to move my 3 TONS, yes, that's 3,000 lbs. of books I currently own.

What it has also done is helped me in my creativity. My mother used to love telling the story of how I cried one day because when we were on our way back from one of our many trips to the library, I saw an inside-out umbrella and said "it's dead." I've always been able to use reading and writing as an escape. A book would help me understand that I could make it through my parents divorce. A book was a place to go to when I didn't want to talk to anyone. When I didn't want to tell my parents something bad had happened in school, I was able to write a letter which explained my behavior. When I fell in love with one of my teaching assistants in college and then found out he was married, I spent the evening writing poetry and short stories so that I wouldn't do something more drastic.

The best thing about reading and writing though is that it is free. All it costs is your time. And yes, if you buy books, it does cost money, but not all that much. It's one of my simple pleasures. One of the things that makes my life happier, more interesting, and undoubtedly saner.

The other good thing about being creative is that when Christmas or birthdays come around, I can create a unique gift. One that doesn't cost much, but that the person will cherish forever because it truly comes from the heart. I wrote a silly parody poem for my boss who was retiring at the ABA and he loved it so much he showed HIS boss. I remember I bought my boyfriend Eric a new MacBook Pro, a Thomas Hardy shirt, some nice cologne, some chocolate and other things for Christmas last year. His favorite gift? A 3 page note on all the reasons I love him.

But I am getting away from the original point of this blog. My mother, who passed away 11 years ago, was always getting aggravated at things, traffic, people at stores, lines in restaurants, etc. She would always say "In MY country, this wouldn't be allowed." So one year for Christmas, my step-father (who also passed away 11 years ago), decided that it was time for my mother to get her own country. He bought a small piece of wood and carved it in the shape of Norway (my mother's name was very Norwegian, Ronnveig ), and we packed it in a box, along with a Your Own Country "Starter Kit." She got to name her country, "Tisofthe'" was the name she came up with. (I told you my family was creative). We gave her peasants, loyal followers, many fjords, a navy, a firing squad (to execute criminals), towns, etc. She loved it! Every year for Christmas (or her birthday which was about 10 days after), we would give her something else for Tisofthe'. One year she got a model DC-9 (minus the wings), which is what the Queen chose to drive around in (and of course, no one else was allowed on the roads when she was on them.) Another year, I gave her a booklet, fully illustrated, that I had created describing each of the Royal Residences. She had a Castle, a Beach House, a City Apartment, a Lodge in the Woods, and, because I loved horses, a Royal Stables. The next year she got a University and she got to decide who to accept, decline, what kinds of degrees you could earn there, the sports teams, etc. The final year that she and my step-father were both alive, I gave her the Crown Jewels of Tisofthe'. They were presented to her on a velvet pillow, along with a crown and replacement jewels if she so needed.

This is one of the fondest memories I have of my mother, and it's a great idea. (I probably should have marketed it and made a million dollars). I've been thinking a lot about this as I make the 30 mile commute to work each day and back. In MY country, you wouldn't be allowed to stop if you are in the left lane, people who slow down while answering or dialing their cell phones would be blown up by the hidden cannon in my car, and anyone talking loudly at the movies would be permanently banished.

So the next time you're yelling at a traffic jam, or fed up with the person at the store you are shopping at, just close your eyes and say to yourself "In MY country...."

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Cooking Without An Oven

I have decided to write a blog. Why? I've been writing most of my life and keeping a lot of it to myself. Most of my friends love my writing and say I am good at it. I love writing personal letters, poems for birthdays or other big occasions and I try to write a journal. When the muse hits me I should write it down, but I don't always do that. I've probably lost a lot of good ideas and stories that way. I've been afraid of blogging because I'm not too sure I want to share that much information about myself. But after being on Twitter and Facebook for about 6 months now, I discover that I am sharing things with others anyway so I took the blog plunge.

About the title? I chose this title after rejecting many others because I have many interests... horses, cooking, writing, football, golf, Harley-Davidson motorcycles, movies, music, travel, etc. I couldn't come up with a title that encompasses all those things. I also didn't want to be boring and just use my name. So, as I said in my little info square, I have recently moved in with my boyfriend. This is the first time I have ever lived with a guy or anyone else since my sophomore year in college back in 1989. I moved from a large, two-bedroom, fairly new apartment in the suburbs, to a small, two-bedroom, upper floor of the building his mom owns place in the city. He has a nice kitchen, but it is older and he has a stove, but the oven doesn't work. This, I thought, would be a problem for me. I love to bake... pies, cakes, cookies, cheesecake, meatloaf, shepherd's pie, roasted chicken, pot roast, pizza, etc. When I moved in, I realized I would have to give this up. I thought it was going to be harder than it was. I have learned to make a lot of things on the grill and stovetop. I have gotten used to baking cookies 6 at a time in his convection oven instead of the normal 12 to 16. It takes longer, but they taste just as good. I have used the grill more since I moved here than when I had my own house with a complete kitchen set-up. And to be honest with you, I don't miss it. Sure, I'd like to make my mother's pork chop and rice recipe, and yes, I would love to make large-scale desserts. But it's not the end of the world.

And that's basically how I have tried to live my life. I have had a lot of things happen in my life that when I first looked at it, I thought "How am I ever going to get through this?" "How am I ever going to make it?" Yet I'm still here. I have survived. I have adapted. I have learned to embrace my surroundings and make the best of whatever situation I am in. When my parents got divorced when I was 9 and we moved to New Mexico where I was the only "gringo" in class, I learned Spanish. When my step-father and mother died within 6 months of each other, I quit my job in order to deal with it. When my father moved in with me after his second divorce and then passed away, I dealt with it. When I moved to Florida and wasn't happy, I moved back to Chicago where I was happy. When I travelled all the way to England to meet a guy who then decided I couldn't stay with him for a week, I stayed in London myself and had an amazing time.

One of my best friends and I have a saying: "You can do ANYTHING for a short period of time." You can. When I moved in with Eric in February and was scared and doubtful and thought I might fail...I realized that I've been cooking without an oven for a very long time