Don't Panic---Easier Said Than Done

They're Baaaack!

Last Tuesday my panic attacks started again. I've had a few over the past year, but the one that happened Tuesday at work has lasted into the weekend. I mean, not constantly, but at least one every day since. I haven't had one today yet, stayed inside and just tried to relax yesterday so maybe that helped. I had one on Friday that caused me to leave work early. Not good when the panic attacks get the best of me, and cause me to lose money. I KNOW this time that they are all stress related. I'm not happy in my job, my personal and financial life have a lot of work to do, and facing another holiday basically on my own was something I probably wasn't looking forward to. Now, I'm just tired of them, and hope I've done enough so that I can make it through the work week without feeling like I have to go home. The ones this week haven't been my usual attacks either. My heart rate hasn't increased, my throat hasn't closed or felt like it was closing and they haven't woken me up out of a deep sleep. These are more feeling nauseous, and dizzy and feeling like I'm having a heart attack...chest pain, arm numbness, leg numbness. Then I get mad at myself for allowing it to happen and allowing it to control whatever I'm doing. 

So I'm trying to make some changes. I'm going to read and write more, (can't believe I haven't posted to the blog since January), I'm going to try to get to the gym at least 4 days a week, and I'm going to try and let go of all the things I can't control. That will probably be the hardest. I'm an admitted control freak. But there are some things I just can't control and I will have to just accept that. All I can do is control what is going on with me and try to improve things for myself.

So expect a lot more blog posts from me. I'm going to try to write daily and I will admit that a lot of them won't be good, that they will just be random ramblings, but I think I need to get things out and just hope that someone will read them. Even if they don't it will be good to get it out there.

Momma Said There'd Be Days Like This

Coming up in November of 2012, my mother will have been gone for 14 years. I miss her most every day but today was especially hard.  We all have traditions around the holidays and our family was no different. We used to open presents on Christmas Eve and have oysters and lobster for dinner.  It was never Christmas in our house unless you got a new book, and usually you got a calendar as well.  I used to get horse calendars a lot because they were my favorite animal.  (I always wondered why the picture of the horse for May was always a white/gray one...but maybe that's for another post).  I got Cow calendars after I moved to Wisconsin and decorated my kitchen with any sort of bovine item I could find.  My mother got Kleiban Cat calendars or calendars with pictures of food or flowers.

On January 1, or the 2nd as today is...my mom and I used to sit at the dining room table armed with a bunch of new colored pens or pencils, our new calendars and our calendars from the year just passed.  We would slowly go through month by month and put in birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and any appointments we knew we might have coming up.  It was a way to reflect on the year gone by and a way to look forward to the upcoming year as well. The Rose Parade was usually on in the background and we would watch the beautiful floats as we created beautiful little pictures in the small squares of our calendars. We drew hearts on the square for February 14th, a shamrock for March 17th, an egg or a bunny or a basket for whenever Easter was.  Relatives birthday's used to be marked in the same color and the birthday it was would be proudly displayed...My mom's birthday was January 7th so that was always the first entry."Bapa is 73!" for my grandfather, or "My 22nd" on May 5th for my day.  Friends would get their birthday's listed as well, usually in a different color than our relatives, but distinctive enough so we knew who was celebrating when.  It usually took us an hour or so and we'd talk and laugh and remember as we did this.

But times and traditions change. I don't have a wall calendar this year. Yesterday, I put birthdays, anniversaries and appointments into the calendar on my iPhone.  Today, I watched the Rose parade alone.

Good Riddance to 2011

The end of a year is usually a time to look back and reflect on the year that has just passed by.  Sometimes we'd rather not reflect on the year and this year is one of those times.  I should have known when Eric took a tumble down the stairs last New Year's Eve that 2011 was going to be a challenge and I must say it was. February brought "Snowmageddon" and I twisted my knee horribly walking through a snowdrift to get to work. Not to mention our furnace died that day and my car got stuck in the snow trying to get to Home Depot for a space heater. Eric lost his job back in early March and so money was tight.  We lived paycheck to paycheck and if it wasn't for Eric's mom, there were times when we would have had to live on ramen noodles. There were changes at work, which weren't necessarily bad, but they were challenging. We went through 2 new bosses, more responsibility and I'm still a contractor or "temp" as they used to be called. Yet another year of no paid holidays, no sick days, no vacation time, and no benefits.  Personally things were rough as well. My brother did something very bad back in July and is now awaiting trial. I never thought I'd be communicating with someone in prison. I didn't read as much as I wanted, I don't think I even touched my guitar, and I probably watched too many hours of TV instead of going for walks. I didn't make it to a Cubs game or any sporting event for that matter. I also didn't talk to good friends who I should have kept in touch with more often.

It wasn't all bad. We made our annual trip to DCI in Minneapolis and despite having thought we would have to drive back to Chicago to get the tickets we forgot at home, we were able to pick them up at the stadium and the show wasn't rained out.  We didn't make it to the Wisconsin State Fair, but there's always this year. I re-connected with my Aunt (due to the situation with my brother), who is basically my only blood relative left.  I had some great meals at some good new restaurants. I made some new friends and saw a couple of good movies.

So as I look forward to 2012 I look forward to reading more, playing my guitar every day and writing more as well.  I will try to be a better friend. I will continue to do my job to the best of my ability even though I will continue to be in a "contract" position.  I will cook more, exercise and maybe take a trip or two. Eric has a new job and that holds promise. I'm going to save money rather than spend it. I'm going to not look back at the bad except learn from the experience of the past year and grow from there.

Happy 2012!

I Don't Like Mondays

Well, ok...maybe just not the last two Mondays. Some Mondays are OK. Like next Monday is a holiday so I won't have to go to work and can sit at home for an extra day and celebrate our country's independence with bbq, fireworks and maybe a parade or two. A lot of holidays fall on Mondays giving those of us with jobs a nice 3 day weekend. Of course, it means more work the other 4 days of the week, but it is nice to extend the days of relaxing just a bit longer.

However, the past two Mondays have not been the best. Last Monday at work I was very busy, which usually makes the day go by faster so it's not so bad. But unfortunately I was busy with people not listening to me, people complaining, computers not working properly, grumpy people, and just an all around general not good day. I survived that day although it did wear me out and leave me a bit discouraged for the rest of the week. I survived that one though, had a really enjoyable weekend and went to bed last night ready to face another week of work.

First thing that happened last night was that my female cat, Elsie, jumped up on my bed, which isn't unusual for her, usually she likes to sleep with me. This time however, she jumped on the end of my bed and proceeded to do something that is usually done in her litter box. Ugh. I didn't realize she did this until around 4am this morning when I woke up with terrible cramps from my monthly visitor, (aunt flo, period, menstrual cycle) whatever you want to call it. I got up and went to sit on the end of the bed to get out my Tylenol, only to discover what she had done. Well, it had dried up pretty much by that point so that was fine. The Tylenol wasn't kicking in, so I decided to get up. At which point Elsie decides to jump on my bed again and this time urinate all over the center of it. Well, ok...now not only do I have extremely bad cramps, but now I am definitely going to have to take the day off to go wash my sheets, comforter, and whatever else I can find that she perhaps soiled overnight. So, I go to our laundromat, which is right next door to a Dunkin Donuts thinking I would get an iced coffee to enjoy while waiting. Well, there's a homeless man outside and he is literally "FOLLOWING" people who walk out of Dunkin Donuts to their cars begging for money. I decided to stay in the laundromat.

Laundry is finished. I get home (in a rain storm), and my cell phone needs to be charged, so I plug it into my computer to find that there is something wrong with my iTunes library. So now, I end up with only 26 songs on my iPhone and those are only songs I have purchased in the past 2 weeks. I also discover that MOST of my music is missing from my iTunes library. I check my hard drive which says the music is in there. But it's not. So I attempt to move my iTunes folder on my hard drive back into my iTunes library. I am still working on it. It gets in between 730 and 812 songs and then freezes. Then I have to shut down my computer, reboot and then start all over again, where it will stick at 806 this time. As Charlie Brown would say--

I would like to be resting, sleeping, enjoying this unexpected day off in my nice clean sheets but instead I am sitting on the couch, reading Bon Appetit and Travel & Leisure (wondering if I could move to the Caribbean and live off of grilled shrimp and Sriracha), and crossing my fingers that the 5th or 6th time is the charm with my iTunes library.

Sometimes I think life was a lot easier before technology. And sometimes I think life would be a lot easier without Mondays.

On The Eve of my 41st Birthday

Yes. What is 41? It's not an important "BIG" birthday, like 21, or 30 or 40 or 50. It's not the meaning of life, which we all know is 42! It's a prime number, meaning it's only divisible by 1 and itself, but are you really in your "prime" when you reach 41? Some say yes, some say no way and I say I haven't quite decided yet. No, I'm not exactly where I thought I would be at this age. I'm not married, I don't have kids, I'm not living on a horse farm in Kentucky, which was my dream when I was younger, or in England, which became a dream when I got older. I haven't published a book or even completed writing one. My grandparents and my parents are all gone.

On the positive side, my 41 years have been quite interesting. I have learned a lot through school and through living. I have lived in 5 different states and traveled to many more. I have been in the minority group and the majority group. I have graduated from high school. I have graduated with a degree from college. I have read some of the greatest books of all time. I have voted. I have served as a foreperson on a jury. I have bought and sold a house or two. I have bought and sold a horse or 3 or more. I have owned my dream car and realized it wasn't such a dream after all. I have worked with my hands as barn help and horse trainer, I have worked in a corporate setting, I have worked with motorcycles, I have worked in one of the iconic museums in the World. I have taken a break from work. I have moved back in with my parents, and in turn, had them move back in with me. I have been nurturing and been nurtured. I have lost a child. I have made friends, I have made enemies. I have made music. I have been on TV. I have created works of art. I have created poetry. I have written so that I wouldn't harm myself. I have written songs. I have made up words. I have tattoos, 13 of them, all of which tell a story. I have been on stage. I have seen Broadway shows, but have yet to visit Broadway. I have never been to Las Vegas. I have eaten at a Michelin starred restaurant and I have eaten in dives. I have met famous people. I have played sports, watched sports, and most of all loved sports. I have watched Michael Jordan fly to the basket. I have watched the Bears win and lose a Super Bowl. I have watched the Blackhawks win the Stanley Cup and have seen the Cup. I have seen Tiger Woods play golf. I have been to White Sox games. I have been to Cubs games. I have not seen the Cubs win a World Series. I have had long hair, short hair and now graying hair. I have traveled, but not as much as I would have liked to. I have swum in lakes, oceans, seas, and swimming pools. I have been a computer geek and a cool chick. I have chopped down my own Christmas tree and I have had an artificial Christmas tree. I have survived blizzards and heat waves. I have seen a tornado. I have been on a cruise ship. I have been through the Panama Canal. I have been on 3 continents. I have had money and I have been poor. I have won blue ribbons. I have gained and lost weight. I have been shy and I have been bold when necessary. I have stood my ground and I have run away. I have stayed up all night. I have gone to bed early. I have adopted pets. I have found strength even when I didn't think I had any. I have loved, I have been loved and I have lost love and loved ones. I have been adventurous, and I have stayed close to home. But most of all I have lived. So looking back on some of the things I've done throughout my life...maybe 41 Is Just...me.

Oops!

Well, 2011 didn't start exactly as I had wanted. New Year's Eve, Eric fell down the stairs (so help me, if he wears his Crocs outside again in winter I'm going to kill him) and injured his left "backside." So we had to spend New Year's Eve day in bed and going to the Take Care Clinic at Walgreen's to see if there was anything more we could do besides ice and ibuprofen. (There wasn't). I cooked a nice dinner which worked out, but Eric hurt just sitting eating dinner, so we retired to the bedroom early and he was out and asleep before 10pm. I watched the ball drop on my own and feel asleep before Midnight central time. Gunfire in our neighborhood to celebrate 2011 woke me up and I heard a loud clunking as a bullet shell bounced off the roof of Eric's car. Made a dent but no other damage so we're ok and the car is ok.

Now, for Christmas, Eric got me a set of Guy Fieri Knives. They are awesome. The first nice knives I have ever owned. I was excited to get up New Year's morning and make a

bacon/mushroom/goat cheese frittata. While I was cutting fresh basil with my new, wonderful, and very sharp knives, I almo

st sliced off the tip of my left index finger. Luckily I just cut through the nail. I figured that was my error for the meal. I had been roasting grape tomatoes in the oven to make a sauce to go along with the frittata and when I took it out of the oven, I used a potholder since the handle was hot. I poured the tomatoes and garlic into a bowl and put the skillet back on top of the stove, I was going to wipe it out and then cook the frittata in it. Well, after I grabbed another bowl in which to mix the eggs, I went back and grabbed the skillet. This time without the potholder. OUCH! I dropped the pan, (luckily not on a cat), and yelled some sort of obscenity. Eric came out and asked if I was OK and I very calmly said "No." My right hand felt like I was being stung by 100 bees and I started to cry. Eric asked if I could take a break and I said "No." Hell, I had seen the chef's on Top Chef suck it up all the time and keep going, so that's what I did. Crying the entire time and running my hand under cold water when I had a chance. Luckily the frittata worked out and was delicious!

We managed to make it through the rest of the day without falling or burning ourselves or cutting off any limbs. When I asked Eric what he wanted for dinner last night he said "Anything that doesn't involve you cooking or me going out." I was able to slice an onion without

problems and dinner was successful.

So it wasn't exactly the way I had planned to start the year. My hand hurt too much to start learning a new song on the guitar. It was very cold outside so I didn't take poor Harley for a walk for some exercise (and Eric's in no shape right now to join the Y with me). Someone had blocked our driveway New Year's Eve so we couldn't even get our cars out to go anywhere. I figure it can only get better from here!

Starting Over

Here it is, the last day of 2010 and I noticed that once again, I have been neglecting my blogging duties and haven't had an entry since August! Well, New Year's is the time for resolutions and starting new, or at least they say it is. 2010 was a good year. I was employed for the entire year and although I was still a contractor, I stayed at the same company, handled changes, new bosses, new duties and even got a new computer the last week of work. I went to my first Drum Corps show which was amazing. It was in Minneapolis, which was another first for me and I found the city charming. The show got rained out or rather violent stormed out, but the Corps I did get to see were fantastic and have made me a fan for life. I ate at several new restaurants, some good, some just so so. I turned 40. I picked up a guitar for the first time since college and began playing again. I stood in line at the Apple Store for the release of the iPad so I could be one of the first to have one. Met Derrick Rose on the same day. I reconnected with my brother whom I hadn't spoken to since I moved out of Florida. And, of course, I really enjoyed cooking with my oven! I'm not going to look back on regret on the fact that I didn't read all 100 books I was planning on reading or that I didn't blog every day or every other day about it. Can't change the past, just have to move forward.

So, since I made promises that I simply couldn't or didn't keep last year, this year I'm making no promises. Just a list of things I would like to do/achieve in 2011.

• I would like to be employed permanently. (Hopefully with the company I've been "contracting" for for 2 years.)
• I would like to learn a new song a week on the guitar. Meaning I will have to play every day and by next New Year's Eve have a repertoire of 52 songs!
• I would like to read more and watch TV less. I have an iPad and Kindle loaded on my iPad and computer so there is no reason that I can't download any number of books I would like reading.
• I would like to get in better shape. The plan is to join the YMCA and start out in the pool until my muscles are used to working out again. I want to lose weight, yes...but I would also like to simply be fitter.
• I would like to continue to cook new recipes and explore new restaurants.
• I would like to go to Minneapolis in July and see a complete Drum Corps show and especially stand in front of the horn line of Phantom Regiment to feel that awesome power!
• I would like to go to London in November, and if not...Door County for Thanksgiving or Jamaica for Christmas.
• I would like to write in my blog every day.
• I would like to get back on a horse at some point during the year. I miss riding every day and being around those gentle giants.
• I would like to take our St. Bernard, Harley on more walks, which would be good for us both.
• I would like to swim in Lake Michigan at least once during the summer.
• I would like to see another opera.
• I would like to go to a live sporting event, whether it be golf tournament, football game, baseball game or hockey game.

So those are just a few of the things I'd like to see happen in 2011. Let's check back in a year and see how many of them I accomplished. I'm stubborn, and when I set my mind to something, I can do anything!