Starting Over

Here it is, the last day of 2010 and I noticed that once again, I have been neglecting my blogging duties and haven't had an entry since August! Well, New Year's is the time for resolutions and starting new, or at least they say it is. 2010 was a good year. I was employed for the entire year and although I was still a contractor, I stayed at the same company, handled changes, new bosses, new duties and even got a new computer the last week of work. I went to my first Drum Corps show which was amazing. It was in Minneapolis, which was another first for me and I found the city charming. The show got rained out or rather violent stormed out, but the Corps I did get to see were fantastic and have made me a fan for life. I ate at several new restaurants, some good, some just so so. I turned 40. I picked up a guitar for the first time since college and began playing again. I stood in line at the Apple Store for the release of the iPad so I could be one of the first to have one. Met Derrick Rose on the same day. I reconnected with my brother whom I hadn't spoken to since I moved out of Florida. And, of course, I really enjoyed cooking with my oven! I'm not going to look back on regret on the fact that I didn't read all 100 books I was planning on reading or that I didn't blog every day or every other day about it. Can't change the past, just have to move forward.

So, since I made promises that I simply couldn't or didn't keep last year, this year I'm making no promises. Just a list of things I would like to do/achieve in 2011.

• I would like to be employed permanently. (Hopefully with the company I've been "contracting" for for 2 years.)
• I would like to learn a new song a week on the guitar. Meaning I will have to play every day and by next New Year's Eve have a repertoire of 52 songs!
• I would like to read more and watch TV less. I have an iPad and Kindle loaded on my iPad and computer so there is no reason that I can't download any number of books I would like reading.
• I would like to get in better shape. The plan is to join the YMCA and start out in the pool until my muscles are used to working out again. I want to lose weight, yes...but I would also like to simply be fitter.
• I would like to continue to cook new recipes and explore new restaurants.
• I would like to go to Minneapolis in July and see a complete Drum Corps show and especially stand in front of the horn line of Phantom Regiment to feel that awesome power!
• I would like to go to London in November, and if not...Door County for Thanksgiving or Jamaica for Christmas.
• I would like to write in my blog every day.
• I would like to get back on a horse at some point during the year. I miss riding every day and being around those gentle giants.
• I would like to take our St. Bernard, Harley on more walks, which would be good for us both.
• I would like to swim in Lake Michigan at least once during the summer.
• I would like to see another opera.
• I would like to go to a live sporting event, whether it be golf tournament, football game, baseball game or hockey game.

So those are just a few of the things I'd like to see happen in 2011. Let's check back in a year and see how many of them I accomplished. I'm stubborn, and when I set my mind to something, I can do anything!

Frankie Say Relax

I, like thousands, maybe even millions of people, suffer from panic attacks. They started for me when I was 29 after a horrible year where I lost my step-father, a baby, and my mother all within 6 months of each other. The first time I had one, I was exercising. I was walking along Sheridan Road in Wilmette, IL, listening to music and probably about a mile from home. All of a sudden I couldn't see anything. The world went black. I got very cold and my heart rate jumped to an alarming rate. I stood there and calmly waited until I could see again and walked home. I didn't think anything of it. Thought maybe I was exercising too hard.

I didn't have another one for a couple of weeks. That one happened while I was in the bathroom. My scalp got all tingly and then all of a sudden, up goes the heart rate again. I literally thought I was having a heart attack. This only made things worse and I started to cry. I called a friend of mine over and she thought maybe my boyfriend at the time had done something horrible. I said, "no, I just seem to be out of control." So she took me over to my doctor's office. My doctor wasn't in, but I saw a colleague of his who said that it was a classic panic attack. She prescribed a small sample of Paxil. I went home, took the Paxil, and immediately, the veins in my wrist started bulging, as if to say "cut me here!" I called my boyfriend and he talked to me until the feeling went away. Well after 2 days on Paxil, I did not feel any better and now could not leave my house. I was "panicking" every 2 hours or so. I could still get up and feed the cats, but even the thought of opening the door to get the mail was too much.

I was sent to a psychologist who prescribed a different anti-depressant. I went home, took one half of one pill...and immediately vomited like I hadn't done for days. I decided pills were not for me. I let the panic attacks go on for about 3 months. I would lay in bed at night and look out the window at the fire station across the street, waiting for the moment when I would call the paramedics. I managed to get myself to the grocery store, but sometimes would have to leave a cart full of groceries because I was sure I was going to pass out. I went blind while driving once, which was not good, but I simply pulled over and waited until I could see again and drove home. I felt best in my bed, in my home, but realized that this was no way to live. I went to the hospital a couple of times, but was sent home and told I was fine.

My friend who had originally taken me to see the doctor, thought maybe it was because I was about to turn 30. I didn't think that was such a big deal. She suggested her psychologist and I made an appointment to see Charlie. I drove there in tears, I spent the entire hour with him in tears. I was going to London to celebrate my 30th birthday in about a week so he suggested I come see him every day until then. He truly helped me. I just needed to talk about everything that had happened and it made me feel better. I was still having the attacks, but they weren't as strong and I could get out of the house.

I made it to London, although I spent the entire flight over there, dry heaving in the lavatory. I was able to do some things in London but sometimes felt that I had to get back to the hotel, and had a couple of nights where I was wondering what the hospitals in London were like.

When I got home, I saw Charlie, once a week for the next 6 months. I could now go for weeks at a time without a panic attack. But I still had them. I remember one particularly bad one where I was driving back from Wisconsin and kept thinking at every exit, "I don't want to die in a McDonald's bathroom."

I still suffer from panic attacks. They are not as bad as they were, and I can go months without having one. The funny thing is that when I have one, and I'm not afraid to tell someone when it's happening, is that without a doubt everyone asks "Why?" Well, now, that's a silly question. If I knew WHY I was having the panic attack I could stop it. I simply tell them that very thing, and tell them to just keep talking to me or to let me walk around and I will be fine. I had one at work today, my left arm went numb and my chest hurt, but I simply told myself I was ok and if I passed out, so what? I still, to this day, have never passed out.

Panic attacks are scary. I don't recommend them to anyone and if you haven't had one, I'm not sure I can describe it. For me, it feels like my throat is closing up and that my heart is going to explode it is beating so fast. I also feel like I can't breathe, although I am able to take long, deep breaths. They are also scary because I never know when they are coming. I had one a couple of days ago in bed as I was falling asleep. I know, sounds like I should be relaxed at that time, but apparently not. That's why these are so damn scary and down right annoying.

Now, I don't have anything against anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. They simply did not work for me. I figured they were masking the problem and that I had to deal with my problem head on.

I have found that what works for me is talking to someone. When I talk to someone, I simply want them to talk about whatever they want. NOT about the panic attack itself, and definitely not to ask me "WHY?" When I don't have someone to talk to, I have a very wonderful nurse cat, who follows me around until I decide to settle down someplace and then he places his big black paw on my hand and lets me pet him until I fall asleep.

So if you meet me someday and I happen to have a panic attack, please don't ask me "WHY?" Simply tell me about your day, because I can guarantee its going a lot better than mine.