Don't Panic---Easier Said Than Done

They're Baaaack!

Last Tuesday my panic attacks started again. I've had a few over the past year, but the one that happened Tuesday at work has lasted into the weekend. I mean, not constantly, but at least one every day since. I haven't had one today yet, stayed inside and just tried to relax yesterday so maybe that helped. I had one on Friday that caused me to leave work early. Not good when the panic attacks get the best of me, and cause me to lose money. I KNOW this time that they are all stress related. I'm not happy in my job, my personal and financial life have a lot of work to do, and facing another holiday basically on my own was something I probably wasn't looking forward to. Now, I'm just tired of them, and hope I've done enough so that I can make it through the work week without feeling like I have to go home. The ones this week haven't been my usual attacks either. My heart rate hasn't increased, my throat hasn't closed or felt like it was closing and they haven't woken me up out of a deep sleep. These are more feeling nauseous, and dizzy and feeling like I'm having a heart attack...chest pain, arm numbness, leg numbness. Then I get mad at myself for allowing it to happen and allowing it to control whatever I'm doing. 

So I'm trying to make some changes. I'm going to read and write more, (can't believe I haven't posted to the blog since January), I'm going to try to get to the gym at least 4 days a week, and I'm going to try and let go of all the things I can't control. That will probably be the hardest. I'm an admitted control freak. But there are some things I just can't control and I will have to just accept that. All I can do is control what is going on with me and try to improve things for myself.

So expect a lot more blog posts from me. I'm going to try to write daily and I will admit that a lot of them won't be good, that they will just be random ramblings, but I think I need to get things out and just hope that someone will read them. Even if they don't it will be good to get it out there.

Momma Said There'd Be Days Like This

Coming up in November of 2012, my mother will have been gone for 14 years. I miss her most every day but today was especially hard.  We all have traditions around the holidays and our family was no different. We used to open presents on Christmas Eve and have oysters and lobster for dinner.  It was never Christmas in our house unless you got a new book, and usually you got a calendar as well.  I used to get horse calendars a lot because they were my favorite animal.  (I always wondered why the picture of the horse for May was always a white/gray one...but maybe that's for another post).  I got Cow calendars after I moved to Wisconsin and decorated my kitchen with any sort of bovine item I could find.  My mother got Kleiban Cat calendars or calendars with pictures of food or flowers.

On January 1, or the 2nd as today is...my mom and I used to sit at the dining room table armed with a bunch of new colored pens or pencils, our new calendars and our calendars from the year just passed.  We would slowly go through month by month and put in birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and any appointments we knew we might have coming up.  It was a way to reflect on the year gone by and a way to look forward to the upcoming year as well. The Rose Parade was usually on in the background and we would watch the beautiful floats as we created beautiful little pictures in the small squares of our calendars. We drew hearts on the square for February 14th, a shamrock for March 17th, an egg or a bunny or a basket for whenever Easter was.  Relatives birthday's used to be marked in the same color and the birthday it was would be proudly displayed...My mom's birthday was January 7th so that was always the first entry."Bapa is 73!" for my grandfather, or "My 22nd" on May 5th for my day.  Friends would get their birthday's listed as well, usually in a different color than our relatives, but distinctive enough so we knew who was celebrating when.  It usually took us an hour or so and we'd talk and laugh and remember as we did this.

But times and traditions change. I don't have a wall calendar this year. Yesterday, I put birthdays, anniversaries and appointments into the calendar on my iPhone.  Today, I watched the Rose parade alone.